Monthly Archives: March 2017

Fnool Statement #*

There’s some truth to the common rumor that everything happens for a reason. However, in all the possible universes, among all the persons or creatures ever to make this claim, not even one got it right. Yes, there is a reason, no, the reason is never what you, that is – them, that is – the persons or creatures who made this claim – think it is.

For example, many past and soon to be past self-proclaimed technological cultures have noticed, at some point, an anomaly in the frequency of the light emitted by their neighboring galaxies, and promptly concluded, based on that evidence alone, that the universe is expanding. Further deliberations got them to think that the universe started with a single bang, which, suspiciously, each and every such culture nicknamed “big”. In fact the tendency to name it so was so strong, that one culture of radiation creatures, originally lacking the concepts of physical dimensions, had to go through the painstaking process of inventing them, promptly followed by the idea of all-powerful deities, to the immediate effect that this particular universe is no longer with us. One of its inhabitants managed to escape, only to be humiliated in every other universe it visited, with names such as “Bloughfoogh” and “^2^2^2” and “The Van Allen Belt”.

But let us return to the reason of this text, or of everything, depending upon one’s point of view: The slight frequency shift – some call it “twank”, some call it “red”, for which the universe is thought to be expanding.

Well, it isn’t.

It is you, dear cultures, who get smaller. You and your so called moons and clusters and planets and gas clouds and suns and whatever. You are but tiny specks of semi intelligence in the mid-sized trunks of your respective universes, getting smaller and smaller as time goes by. Soon you will disappear entirely, and we will have some peace and quiet.

Strangely enough, this will also solve the problem of that miserable Van Allen Belt.