Category Archives: The Slur System

Toys R U


It was a toy, and yet it wasn’t. It was carefully constructed by a member of a terribly sophisticated civilization in order to help its young ones learn things which, to a human, are indescribable. It existed in numerous dimensions, none of which was supposed to correlate to any of the six ones upon which the human solar system was built. And yet somehow one such dimension was bent, or torn, or perhaps just brutally played with, and thus a thing appeared simultaneously before, during and after Earth’s existence. In the 52nd century after the quake it manifested as a sweet, edible statue and caused some wild insects to wonder about their predecessors; in the 19th century after the prophet it, looking like a deformed Ferris wheel, changed the mind of a human girl and enabled her to flee her parents into the universe next door, leaving behind her only a strange book written by a non-existing author; in the 14th century after the first humanoids it manifested as a monolith and caused a monkey to use a bone to kill its brother; and in the 2nd century after the flood it climbed from inside the water and onto the land, pushing along a tremendous number of fish, two of which survived, a female and a male.

And in a non-linear non-future, a terribly sophisticated civilization flickered for a non-moment, blinked out of existence, and then re-emerged as something completely different. It did not have anything to do with solar systems or earth or humans or insects or small girls or monkeys, but it did smell slightly of fish.


Sun Kings


And so it was that the sun beings came to visit you. First there was a tremendous solar flare, and by the time its light hit the Solar and Heliospheric Observatory which humankind thoughtfully put in space, the visitors were already on earth, and your FM radio was gone forever.

“Hello there,” their leader told several millions of dissatisfied listeners who were not particularly keen on this new change of program, preferring instead the usual traffic reports and morning chit-chat shows. “We are your neighbors, we came from the sun.” Later, some commentators noted that he had a slight Jamaican accent.

“You cannot see us,” the leader of the sun beings continued. “We exist outside your sensory range.”

“We’ve found ourselves a new home here,” it added. This generated the expected amount of turmoil. “However, there is nothing for you to worry about. We will settle at the Earth’s core, and you shall have no contact with us, while we have no influence on you or your lives. We just wanted to say hello.”

A year later, after several failed attempts, you people of earth finally managed to get rid of most of the planet’s core, sending “it and its dirty foreigners”, as some spokesman defined it, out to space. No one in power took the slightest consideration of the effect this will have on the planet’s stability.

Thus, a year later, the meager remains of humanity arrived at Mars, having migrated there via a giant spaceship which was urgently constructed from an old aircraft carrier.

“We’ve found ourselves a new home here,” your leader said, failing to realize that we, the ancient people of Mars, were also there, existing outside the humans’ sensory range. And that, of course, was pretty much the end of it, as we promptly sent the spaceship and you back to space.

Just like you, we do not like to share our planet with dirty foreigners.



Don’t Smell the Roses. The roses are dangerous. They can smell right back at you. This won’t affect your body in any visible way. But be careful anyway.