Fear not – we shall not eat your planet! We’ll never touch it, the reason being that we’ve already eaten it. You and the place you live in are, ahem… you’re what came out of the other side.
Tag Archives: alien invasion
We’ve never visited nor shall we visit your planet. We won’t emit any radiation, gravity, time or space signals in your direction. We will not present ourselves to you, nor shall we invade you, in any sense of that word. But the possibility of our existence is already planted deep in your minds. And that, you unlucky ones, is the real invasion.
And so it was that the sun beings came to visit you. First there was a tremendous solar flare, and by the time its light hit the Solar and Heliospheric Observatory which humankind thoughtfully put in space, the visitors were already on earth, and your FM radio was gone forever.
“Hello there,” their leader told several millions of dissatisfied listeners who were not particularly keen on this new change of program, preferring instead the usual traffic reports and morning chit-chat shows. “We are your neighbors, we came from the sun.” Later, some commentators noted that he had a slight Jamaican accent.
“You cannot see us,” the leader of the sun beings continued. “We exist outside your sensory range.”
“We’ve found ourselves a new home here,” it added. This generated the expected amount of turmoil. “However, there is nothing for you to worry about. We will settle at the Earth’s core, and you shall have no contact with us, while we have no influence on you or your lives. We just wanted to say hello.”
A year later, after several failed attempts, you people of earth finally managed to get rid of most of the planet’s core, sending “it and its dirty foreigners”, as some spokesman defined it, out to space. No one in power took the slightest consideration of the effect this will have on the planet’s stability.
Thus, a year later, the meager remains of humanity arrived at Mars, having migrated there via a giant spaceship which was urgently constructed from an old aircraft carrier.
“We’ve found ourselves a new home here,” your leader said, failing to realize that we, the ancient people of Mars, were also there, existing outside the humans’ sensory range. And that, of course, was pretty much the end of it, as we promptly sent the spaceship and you back to space.
Just like you, we do not like to share our planet with dirty foreigners.
The main problem of an every invasion fleet is, always, the question of branding. Therefore, the English-speaking persons of your world are kindly asked, when discussing our arrival, to use only the term selected by us: Fnool Injection.
Invading your world isn’t very difficult, and there lies the rub: you have been invaded so many times that nothing remained of your original form. In other words – there’s nothing left to invade.
This, unfortunately, did not prevent my honorable ancestor from trying. You may have heard of him, or at least of the alias he has taken here. You probably won’t like his name to be mentioned, being a follower of a rival of his, the one you call Jung.
Oh, is my hour over? See you next week, then, Doctor.
You people are strange.
Firstly, you are too attached to your bodies. That is, to my people, a bit of a weird trait. We are used to occupy whatever reasonable vessel which comes in our way. I said so when the technicians were dissecting that alien body in the place you call area 51, but they did not understand, for by then, instead of inhabiting that body, I was one of them. The body itself also tried to talk, but the former technician trapped inside it was too slow to learn, and they cut its head off too quickly.
Secondly, and much weirder, is – as I have quickly learned in the short time I have occupied the vessel of that technician – your concept of “marriage”.
No, I shall not go into the details. Suffice to say that I do not want to invade your planet anymore.
“This spacecraft doesn’t have enough brainpower to run both of us,” Notrab said.
“Sure it does,” I said. “It runs us now!”
“Yeah,” he said, “right now we’re in orbit around the planet, which means it’s running nothing but us. But in order to land, it’ll need its full capacity. Which leaves no room for you.”
“I don’t take much,” I said. “I’m fairly simple.”
“Oh, I know that,” Notrab said. “You should be really stupid, sneaking on to an invasion pod like that.”
“I thought it’d be fun!”
“I rest my case.”
“Fine,” I said, “so why not store me on a memory chip, then get me back online after we’ve landed?”
“I don’t carry memory chips,” Notrab said. “Sorry, kid.”
And that dialogue is everything that remained of the copy of myself which I smuggled into the Earth invasion fleet.