I absolutely deny the accusation that I have eaten Mrs. Schwatrz. It is not only grossly erroneous, but also deeply insulting. I do not eat anything living. I despise your concept of vegetarianism, for what you call “plants” are also living beings. I am, in fact, an inanimatarian, which explains a lot about me, including the fact that I did not eat, could not have eaten, Mrs. Schwartz.
In fact, she ate me.
Admittedly, right after that my crypto-cells took hold of hers and digested her from the inside, but that’s legally irrelevant. What’s more, it was not an act of mine, as I did not exist at the time of that takeover, having been previously, as I’ve just mentioned, eaten by Mrs. Schwartz. Prosecuting me is just like prosecuting a newborn baby: not only illogical, but also monstrously unjust.
Therefore I ask this court to release me at once.
Has anyone here had lunch yet? No? Want a bite of me?